Assalamualaikum and hi everyone :)
It’s been a while since I’ve written something like this. And just like before, I always come back here when my heart feels heavy when I have so much to share, yet no place to share it.
How are you all doing? Oh, before I forget Selamat Hari Raya! 🌙✨
This year is special for me. For the first time in a long time, I got to celebrate Raya with my sister 😍. Usually, she has to work during Raya, so this year felt extra meaningful. As we grow older, sometimes work takes priority… life gets heavier, and we start to feel just how tough the world can be full of challenges and temptations.
Now back to the real reason I’m writing today:
The more I get to know people, the more confused I feel. I appreciate when people ask, "Are you okay?" or "Wanna share something?" but somehow, I still keep it all inside.
I miss the old me. The one who lived freely, trusted in God fully, and didn’t overthink everything. But now, I keep giving excuses "If this happened... if only that didn’t happen..." Too many ifs. I don’t even know how I got here.
I’ve been thinking… maybe I need to go silent again. Disconnect. Just like I did last year disappear for a while to find myself again. I want to come back stronger, wiser, calmer.
Recently, I’ve had this awful feeling… like I might be the reason someone’s marriage broke apart. They still had a chance to fix things but maybe my presence made things worse. I feel like a villain, and that’s not who I am. It hurts to think that I could be the reason someone falls apart.
Everyone who knows me knows I’m not the type to beg anyone to stay in my life. I don’t force people, I don’t like being pressured, and I won’t do that to others either. It’s not that it’s easy for me to let people go but I don’t want to carry unnecessary pain or drama. It’s your life, do what you want but respect has limits. I’ll always support those who support me back.
If you're serious about commitment, then show it. If not, be honest. Don’t play around with feelings. Yes, maybe I’m not fully ready for marriage, but if God has written it for me tomorrow, I’ll accept that fate. What matters to me is effort. If you're busy, just say so. If you need space, just be open about it. Don’t give false hope and disappear.
Relationships aren’t just about love they’re about communication and tolerance. Two people with different personalities trying to be one it’s not easy. But it’s possible, if both are willing to embrace each other’s flaws.
I also believe in keeping someone's dignity. I don’t expose anyone’s flaws. I keep it all inside because no matter how “bad” your partner may seem, we all have our own imperfections. What matters is patience and acceptance.
But honestly... I’m tired. I feel like I’m losing myself. Again. And again.