“What do I actually want in my life?
Honestly, I swear… when I was at my lowest point, everything happened at once. Yes, I admit it. it was my fault. I shouldn’t have texted another guy. But at the same time, I was completely serabut.
I’m the kind of person who doesn’t share everything with my family. When I’m struggling with money or life, I show people that I’m okay, like everything’s fine. But slowly, I break down too. It’s exhausting.
I wanted to vent to my partner, but I kept remembering his student’s words: ‘Don’t disturb sir, he’s already stressed with work.’ So in the end, I kept everything to myself and just buried it inside.
At some point, I honestly wanted to run away from everyone I know. I didn’t want to see anyone. I wanted to cut off contact with everyone from my past and start a new life. But right now, I’m struggling financially.
Every time I complain that I don’t have enough money, people judge me like I still have thousands left. That’s what makes me feel like I should just stay quiet and shut myself down. But how long am I supposed to live like this?
I want to feel calm. I want peace. Most importantly, I want to chill . I’m almost 30. I swear, I’m so tired. I feel stuck. I feel lost.
Sometimes I wonder… am I crazy? Why do people who used to be close to me feel distant now? Or am I actually avoidant? When I feel overwhelmed, I just want to shut down completely. I want to disappear. I want to live alone. My life feels so messed up, messed up to a level where this doesn’t even feel like me anymore.
What am I supposed to do?
And about this relationship… should I stop things between me and him?
We keep hurting each other.”